Category: Fairy Tales Retellings

Hansel and Gretel

Rijul Ballal2 Comments

While  Mom-Dad where at hill station, Hardipur and Geetu, had gone wandering around the neighbourhood.

Annu antie would have watched then like a hawk [or an obese parrot], nothing like gossiping about chootu children. Can understand parents full genealogy.But poor Mom-Dad didn’t account for latest serial played on full blast on brand new Ultra, Ultra HD Plasma curve, super sonic TV bought by NRI son.

Hardipur and Geetu, who preferred Hansel and Gretel, had never gone around their neighborhood, slum area is too close by. They were picked up by AC school bus and went to international school named after a random phirangi [probably Richard or Jacob or someone, as long as he has white skin and blue hair why does it matter?], and went to kids section of overpriced club #24 after they reached home and finished googling homework.

Hardipur and Geetu went up and down, left and right, here and there, like they smelt 3 tons of chocolate. They can to a strange lane where everything smelt strange, dogs weren’t on chains and people wore lungis-sarees, full traditional get-up even though it wasn’t ethnic day.

Hansel-Gretel or whatever you call them, ran up-down making their white, white uniforms brown and bought some pani-puri. It was better than canteen version. They went to small park smaller than their front yard, where other kids played. Other kids looked at them, they looked at other kids. Hardipur wanted to discuss Pokemon gen 40 and new super-duper, ultra evolution, but they didn’t understand him. Hansel-Gretel/Hardipur-Geetu played on their phones. Everything was very nice they noticed, it was nice to be out they said and sat awkwardly on the benches.

It was soon night and they were scared.Google maps doesn’t work when your phone has expired. Hansel-Gretel were very sad, scared even when a nice dark old lady came along and offered to take them home. She took them to her home first, asked them a few questions, but they just smiled awkwardly in response. She looked like a witch working on magic brew when she made them dinner. She ate little, and kept smiling as they ate.They decided she must be a cook .

She wasn’t smiling when sirens screamed and neighbors came out to watch as police took her away. Parents said hi to Hansel-Gretel/Hardipur-Geetu, police looked everywhere and some random case was booked. Hansel-Gretel/Hardipur-Geetu noticed the house was dust covered and looked a little like chocolate as they taken back home in their tinted window, AC car. They looked at each other and felt a little guilty, but Mom-Dad said she is not a nice lady. She had forced them to cancel vacation.

Probably kidnapping she was trying. Don’t go to the slums again they said. They could hardly stop huffing and puffing when they realized that Hansel-Gretel/ Hardipur-Geetu must have eaten meat. Later they discussed what caste the old lady must have been and what purification ceremony they would have to perform. Hansel-Gretel shrugged were happy to have Wi-Fi access again and everyone called it a happy ending.

Poor Rapunzel

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Poor Rapunzel locked away in her room, her corner, her gender. Poor, poor Rapunzel. Didn’t she understand it was for her own good? Why are women so blond yaar? We just have their best interests in mind but they never see.

Look at her now. Choking down tears. What’s the point in suppressing tears? She looks so ugly like that. Don’t even get me started on how annoying the muffled sobs of girls are. Why is she ashamed? If she was a boy we wouldn’t have let her cry. If she was a boy all these problems wouldn’t be there. Now who will marry her? She looked like a cow, but now she’s a buffalo.

What is this short hair hungama? Doesn’t she care about her looks? It is not Indian culture. We’ve lost our standing now. All the neighbors have seen. They’ll say look at that girl; they’ll never come to her wedding. She’s marked. She’s almost worthless on the marriage market now. We let her color her hair. We sent her to medical. But still she cut those beautiful locks.

She’s lucky. She doesn’t understand. If this was Pakistan, no? How much more a villager would have done if she’d gone all over the city after with a boy who, god forbid, might be Muslim. So lucky she is. Anywhere else this would call for an honor killing. She’s lucky a beating is all we gave to remind her of her place, to punish her for cutting her hair. Now we’ll have to find a better astrologer. The family will have to sell a few kidneys, but hopefully we’ll find one of these Americanized boys for her. Some of them like short hair.

But we? We are martyrs. So much we have to suffer. This would never happen in my Grandfather’s day. This would never happen in your Great Grandfather’s day. What to do? Kids these days. We should have been smart and kept her at home. One day a prince will take her and make her his long haired prize, just you wait.

Sleeping Beauty

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Sleeping beauties parents, who lived like rich kings and queens with greasy palms, went to high-funda doctors and posh, posh hospitals where people were only allowed to speak if they had fake accents.

There, they ordered food delivery [hospital food is so cheap!] and spent more than nurses in government hospitals make more in their entire lives. The hospital photographer with his fancy DSLR jumped around the smiling relatives in silk sarees, next to the posh king size beds and screaming, bleeding mother. No one heard the father ask for an extra stitch. All relatives said baby looks “nice, nice”. Mean relative later said “looks just like the father”. The silk fairies were busy posing for the hopping photographer, but fairy god mother [some dam mid-wife] placed a terrible curse on the baby. The entire room gasped as the curse was laid. “It’s a girl” the mid-wife said.

Poor beauty, everyone always thought she was asleep. While she grew up uncle, auntie, tha-tha, everyone said “Where is your son?”, “Who will pass on the family name?”.  Beauty said “I will, I will”. They didn’t hear and recommended herbs, Ayurveda doctors everything and anything. Beauty’s Mummy-Daddy tried everything, did everything and every position – front to back, top to down and back to back etc. But still no boy baby.

Beauty went to school where all girls were sleeping. Teacher said “Good job Rohan”, “Good job Mohan”. Rohan and Mohan were very naughty and girls very quiet, but teacher didn’t look at the girls. To teacher all girls were sleeping or should be sleeping.

Mummy-Daddy became Mom-Dad and also very sad. They had said “Medical,Medical” but since beauty liked history she actually started sleeping. Neighbor aunty said she likes sleeping so much, she sleeps at every David’s and Rahul’s house she goes to.

Beauty doesn’t last forever so Beauty was sent to the house of a nice boy with fair skin, from nice family from nice village. Nice boy had MBA, didn’t ask too much dowry and had nice caste background. Beauty went into manufacturing, cooking and housekeeping fields, and thought she was happy. But unfortunately her children were doomed to grow up and forget that she wasn’t sleeping.

Poor Beauty! Nice boy with fair skin also liked sleeping in other people’s houses. He had always wanted to be Bad boy but his mamma wouldn’t let him. One day Beauty decided since everyone thought she was sleeping she’ll actually go to sleep. Many expensive sleeping pills she had with elegant wine. Everyone came in silk sarees and said “Look at that Beauty! If only she wasn’t sleeping.”